Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Michele Bachmann says Latin on money is anti-American

This is not a real news article, this was for the 2009 Joke Edition of the Augsburg Echo. 

In addition to Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann’s recent support of an amendment that would ban the U.S. from ever replacing the U.S. dollar for foreign currency, the well-revered Republican Congresswoman is also authoring a bill that would ban the use of Latin on the current United States currency. Bachmann defends her proposed bill, which has yet to receive any approval from introductory committees, saying that she is tired of U.S. citizens being taken advantage of by the illegal Latino community in this country and is calling the use of Latin on U.S. Currency “anti-American.”  

            The bill would seek to ban the line “E Pluribus Unum” from the U.S. quarter dollar, meaning “out of many, one.” This phrase, added to U.S. currency in 1795, was first coined by the Virgil (famous for the Aeneid) in his poem, Moretum. Other phrases that would be omitted by the bill would be “Annuit Coeptis” and “Novus Ordo Seclorum,” meaning “he approves our undertakings” and “new order of the ages,” respectively. Both phrases were also coined by Virgil and are included on the one dollar bill inside the Great Seal of the United States. Details on how to reconcile the inclusion of Latin in the Seal, but not on the dollar, have yet to be released.

Bachmann declined to comment on this discrepancy, but instead stated, “If the illegals won’t pay our taxes, we won’t be paying homage to their ancestors. Our forefathers wrote the Constitution in English for a reason,” says, Bachmann. Also, in the bill is a clause that would change the official pronunciation of ‘tortilla’ to include the phonated ‘L’ sound.

            Bachmann, who claimed earlier this year that the United States is running out of rich people, is certainly appealing to her staunch constituency of the dying affluent nature. Certainly the liberals can identify with protecting an endangered species.

Bachmann first received wide-spread press coverage when she questioned the patriotism of the now President Barack Obama on Hardball with Chris Matthews. More recently Bachmann channeled her efforts towards stopping other anti-American legislation such as universal health care for children, which is obviously just a ploy to cheat hard-working Americans out of their tax dollars so illegal immigrants can have free health care, claims Bachmann.

With regard to her most recent bill on anti-Latin currency, Bachmann is gearing up for harsh opposition. “This will be a tough battle, but we have to show those Latin-loving liberals that we Patriots have will not stand for this system abuse,” said Bachmann earlier this week. Afterwards she was seen posting a “Vote Democrat, it’s easier than working” bumper sticker on the back of her limited edition Lincoln Navigator.

What’s next from the Minnesota Congresswoman? Besides touting to the New York Times that global warming is nature’s fault, our capitol correspondents say there is talk of a birth certificate verification process for imported vehicle purchases, international money wiring and employment in the restaurant industry. Will any illegal immigrants be able to free-load off the United States tax dollars in this country? Not under Rep. Bachmann’s watch. 

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